I can't deny the fact you're not beside me,
that your absence makes my heart heavy.

I can't deny that you're always on my mind,
reminding me the true meaning of happiness.

I can't deny the fact that I'm missing you,
with my heart screaming to feel your warmth.

I can't deny this empty feeling,
I'm missing a very important part of existence.

I can't deny that your smile gives me peace,
taking away all the horrors of this world.

I can't deny that I am waiting,every second,
every minute, every hour, everyday.

I can't deny I miss your laugh,
it echoes peacefully even while I sleep.

I can't deny the truth,
that life would be meaningless without you.

I can't deny the fact that I love you,
not that I would ever want to.

Written without thought, only heart.
This is how I feel.

- Erwin 2007

Simple small steps they said. And so it is that I'm taking small steps everyday. I'm wondering what I'll be blogging about today. As you've probably noticed, I've not been able to get into the habit of blogging. It seems rather pointless as I'm not even sure who reads this anyway. All in all, I guess it's just a place for me to rant on about nothingness.

This is me.

Picture this, I'm sitting in my room listening to Billy Joel - Piano man while sipping my 12 year Chivas whiskey from a mug. Horrid sight I bet but to make things worst I'm in a pink shirt (the only one I have mind you) and black shorts.

My day's been pretty monotonous. It was work, hectic work which reminds me, I've not finished yet so I'll most likely be working again after I'm done with this. Life's getting pretty dull without a girlfriend around. Well, yes, of course I am still with Shino and I very well will be till my last breath but for the moment she is not beside me again. To stick to the tradition, it'll be another 15 days till I see her again. That apart, let's write about something else today eh.

The big hype over the final Harry Potter book is still going on. I figured this out since I drove my sister to Tesco yesterday to get her copy and I read a friend's blog today about Potter Potter Potter.

?

Blankness. I try to write what I'm thinking as it comes along without actually thinking about writing (if that makes sense) and right now I'm thinking why people write blogs.

Oh heck, I guess I can't help it, let's talk about my icky soppy feelings again. The past few days have been taxing. I find myself strangely demotivated and compelled to ask myself over why why and why do we have to wait. Everything would be picture perfect is she was here with me but instead I find myself wondering about the current state of my life. What's that? Well, the current state of my life goes a little something like this. Wake up, clean up, work, have lunch, work, have dinner, talk to Shino, sleep, repeat. The occasional dinner with people helps to keep the social person in me satisfied. Still, it's a wonder how I've survived so far. To have a girlfriend and yet not be with her. Technically I still see her everyday. So let's move into the next topic. Physicallity (if there's such a word).

I find that being physically together is an important part of a relationship. Even though the heart is fed with emotions, having your partner beside you is equally important. Of course not every single second of the day but it is nice to come home from work to hugs and kisses and just someone to talk to (althought technically we do talk everyday). In any case, life just doesn't seem complete. Don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to physical intimacy (although that is just as important) but rather the company and companionship that a relationship should bring with it. It's more of the comfort and security that comes with having the person you love beside you. I am thankful however to the lackof the above as I know in the long run it'll turn out better. Being able to experience, what should I call it, Shino-deficiency has helped me understand the importance of appreciating the precious time we have together. Not just now but in the future too. Life is short. However, I can't help but wonder.. have I not learnt enough? Have I not had my share of loneliness yet? And here I am whining and groaning and yet everything that has happened so far should have taughtt me to always keep a positive outlook. Negativity is like a disease. It spreads and it spreads fast.

Enough of my rambling today then. Let's get cracking at doing more work.

Been having some bad dreams, I guess I don't really want to talk about it. It's been two nights in a row where I've woken up shocked. It's just dreams afterall but I'm sure my feelings have an effect on my dreams whether they're bad or good. In any case, I want to forget these dreams. They'll not bring me anything good.

Back to 57.

How do you stop a crying heart? I've been asking myself that all day. Sent Shino off to the airport this morning. The weekend was great, almost every minute was spent with her. We watched a Korean movie together called "200 pound beauty" with my godmother. It was a good movie and now I got the songs stuck in my head. Not only that, everytime I hear the songs, I think of the time we just spent over the weekend. I miss her loads. It'll be another 57 days till I get to see her again and I can honestly feel my heavy heart.

I know we'll get through this, I know I wouldn't have it any other way but the part that gets me down is the feeling of dread. I dread the next 57 days, spending everyday alone. Though I have people around me; friends, colleagues, family. It's different. The next 57 days will be like coffee without sugar. Bitter and dark.

Still, I'd rather not have this post end on a sad note so on the plus side, we went to a few language centres and job agencies to find out more information. We managed to get quite a bit of information. Not completely good news but news nonetheless. Apart from watching the movie, Sunday was spent in the mall. We had dinner in the rain that night, lovely huh.

To cut a long story short. I miss her already.

10 days to go

Alright so I'm noticing a trend here. I tend to jot something down in this blog once a month! I'm guessing that's not enough. Let's figure out why that is so. My daily routine goes a little something like this. I wake up in the morning at around.. 8:30am more or less (depending on how much I'm a bum or not) and step out of the house at around 9:15am. I go to work, well.. let's stay away from blogging about work here. I leave the office around 7pm so by the time I'm done with dinner and back in my room it's about 8:30 or so. I get settled in at around 9pm where I'll then start doing my usual stuff like surf the net for news, read other people's blogs, watch anime or some series (go Heroes!) or work on little projects. Shino normally gets home at around 10:30pm so I guess that's when my day really starts.

It may seem lifeless but I thoroughly enjoy it. Talking to Shino online that is. God knows what we talk about but time seems to just whisk by everyday like that. Time is ticking and there's 10 days to go before I see here again. Today I've had to bring work home so well, I should be doing that right now but I'll slack for a bit considering I've been working the whole day.

Recently I've thought about whether I've been planning things in too much detailed. I always knew it was never a good thing, one slight change in the plan and everything else goes astray so for now I'm just going to take it easy. Financially I have goals and wants. Goals are things that I must achieve like buying a house for instance (although let's start with a cheap car first). I'm still saving up for my Japan trip in September at the moment. In any case, I have wants too that I would like to get sooner or later. For example, I want to change my bloody phone! Haha, been using this for 5 years and well, I'm just tired of the messages always saying "Memory Full" (with Shino's sms). But it's very minicule so it's the lowest priority. I want to get a professional camera like the one Mavis has, it was very nice to take photos with. Heck, it might even encourage me to blog more.

Looking back and straying away from a Shino-intensive blog, today someone messaged me and asked me if I knew about Guslianti's death (which was last year April 5th) and I did. I found out a month after it happened through Inggriani. Anyway this person turned out to be her cousin which got me thinking a bit.. like how did she find me and how did she know I knew Lian. It was strange because I was just thinking about her today after reading an article in the newspaper about how researchers are saying that meeting up with a first love and triggering that spark is more dangerous than an addiction. Well, beats me.

Enough yacking for this month. All the best!

I'm in office and have a little bit of spare time on my hands (which is rare) so I've decided to rant a little. Once more time is ticking and counting down, another 39 days. It's a public holiday here today in Malaysia. Wesak day is pretty much a Buddhist religious celebration. Anyway, even though it's a public holiday I chose to work today. The extra leave day that I get to claim back and use later on this year seems invaluable. Every holiday I work on gives me one extra day to spend with Shino when she's here.

Had a family dinner last night, and ate loads again. I wonder why I don't get fat.. considering the amount I eat. The dinner was good, the company was better. It's great to have so many relatives around. Family has proven to be a huge part of my life. I don't think I can fully express how grateful I am for having such a big family that's build on love. Was actually talking to Shino about this last night and well, I felt the love I have for her grow just a little bit more. As crazy as it sounds, I look forward to starting a family with her. No doubt this is quite a long way away into the future but it doesn't hurt to dream once in awhile.

Back to work for now. Some stuff just came up.

Back to 41 days

It's the 29th of April. I feel so empty.

I've just spent the last 4 days with Shino by my side and it was great. We ate a lot! haha.. She arrived last Thursday and I felt complete for the past 4 days. With her beside me, it felt as though nothing in the world mattered. We met up with my parents on Friday and had dinner with them. It was good, my parents like her.. Heh, it's rare for my mum to like anyone attached to me. I was happy.

Yesterday we had dinner with my relatives and then went out for supper with some friends. All in all, there was no huge extraordinary plans for the 4 days that she was here. We were satisfied with spending time with each other no matter what it is that we did.

Woke up late this morning, and almost missed her flight. Darn it, should have slept in 10 minutes more hehe. It was really rushed, and when she was at the terminal gate, there wasn't a chance for emotions to be released. We just hugged and kissed each other goodbye and we'll see each other online tomorrow. I felt strange that we were both so calm, me especially. And then an hour later it hits me hard and I felt the worst emptiness ever. She wasn't beside me anymore and I'd have to wait another 41 days to see her again.

Still, what I do know is that 41 days is much shorter than the 73 days we just made it through. Distance can be tough but we both know it's not forever. Sooner or later we'll be beside each other for good. If anyone wanted to see how true love should be, all they'd need to do is look at us.

Till next time.

13 days

So here I am, another blog entry.

Things with Shino are still great and I couldn't be happier. Well actually I could.. if only she was here. But I am thankful for what I already have. I'll be able to see her again in another 13 days. I can't wait! :)

I have plans for the future. Wait, let me rephrase. WE have plans for the future and so far everything is falling into place nicely. God, I sound like I'm going to take over the world or something. But no, nobody knows what the future may bring but I am glad that things are working out. I would stress that long distance relationship is very taxing and requires a lot of patience and discipline both mentally and physically. I am proud of myself for being able to hang in there but I have her to thank for that. She gives me strength. Heck, who knows if she's by my side I could probably take over the world! haha..

A few weeks back I got into a brawl at a club. Totally uncalled for but in some ways I guess it couldn't be avoided. Important lessons learnt there though, sometimes it's not good to be a peacemaker. Unfortunately, people who try to keep the peace are often mistaken for busy bodies who can't mind their own business. Which am I? Heh, I couldn't care less about other people's business but when some are your friends, you can't really sit back and do nothing. Either way, all's well that ends well. I walked away with a few scractches but that's about it.

Yesterday I mentioned to Shino that humans are such fragile creatures. Everything breaks so easilly. She laughed at me... and then told me I'm getting old. Heh.. I guess she's right. I think back and look at my past, the things I've done, how impatient I have been. All sorts of bullshit that I've gotten myself into. There are no regrets save one. In general though, I am happy for what I've been through. The experiences of the past has made me the man I am today.. hopefully that's a good thing eh.. :) It's funny though. Sometimes I wonder what my dad's life was like. Was it at all similar to mine? He's a great person now and I wonder if I am on the right track. From there, I wonder if my son will ask me one day what my life was like. What do I say then? The shit that I've been through aren't exactly role-model material for children haha.

Either way, I am glad that things turn out well and things will only get better from here. I'm sure of it. I'm glad that I'm confident about myself but also not over-confident. C'est la vie.

Shino visited last February as mentioned in the previous blog entry and though it was way too short a visit but it was an awesome one. It was good to be beside her. As expected though, it was heartbreaking to see her go back. Good news came not long after and she was planning to visit this coming April. The flight's been confirmed and she'll be arriving on the 26th.

The days have been counting down and we speak to each other everyday on skype. Everything is great and everything keeps improving. Today we counted the number of hours we've spent talking together on skype since 7th Decembers 2006. It rounded up to 194 hours! Amazing..

I've also bought my flight ticket to Japan which is scheduled for September 24th this year. I had initially intended to fly there in October for her birthday however the promotion period for the flight was unavailable during that time. I'm counting the days and I'll be able to see her again in another 24 days.

Distance relationship is tough but it's meaningful. Naturally long distance relationship with no hope for being together in the future is meaningless and could be considered unnecesary anguish. But as long as there's hope, both parties find the strength to hang in there for the sake of love. The amazing thing about Shino is that I would lay my life down for her. What is a little distance? It's even easier when she feels the same. One of the greatest lessons that I've learnt so far in this relationship is the importance of communication, trust and patience. Put these three together and you get appreciation. I appreciate her for all that she is and above all else, I appreciate what little time we've spent together so far.

We have both agreed that the hardship and effort we put into the relationship at this stage will pay off in the future. When we have our little arguments and quarrels, we'll look back at the effort that we've both put in to be together. Once the distance hurdle is over, I'm pretty much betting it's smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.

I thank friends and family for supporting us and I thank God for all that I've been blessed with thus far.

Till next time :) Here's wishing that you find love like mine.